Learn how Zodiac Labs' responsible practices are making the world better for all of us.
We use low-efficiency and low-performance servers to fit the special needs of our special-needs customers.
We incorporate cutting-edge approaches to the operation of our servers, allowing us to save energy when the servers are not being used as headcrab incubators. Thanks to numerous grants from our generous donors, all of the server rooms have been covered in camouflage netting, so in the event of angry mutant deer, your data will probably be safe with us.
We value our clients very much, and thanks to the NSA, all our servers have been outfitted with backdoors to better protect you and your work. We take your privacy very seriously, so that's why every Zodiac Labs employee has full access to all of your personal information, just in case. Yes, even the janitor. Especially the janitor.
Due to security breaches nearly every day for the past three weeks, we at Zodiac Labs have decided to open-source our proprietary source code to the public in an attempt to get the community to do our job for us. Bug reports and code submissions can be submitted to email@example.com. All code submissions will automatically be checked in to the official code base, and should take effect within 24 hours.
Our server rooms also function as greenhouses, and are open to the general public 24/7, free of charge. Zodiac Labs maintenance technicians inspect the server rooms monthly for missing or stolen servers, corroded wiring, orangutans, breakfast cereals, fruit bats, and clowns.
All electricity Zodiac Labs uses comes straight from our own hydroelectric facility, illegally situated on the northern end of the Hudson Bay on Coats Island. A team of untrained Zodiac Labs technicians are dispatched to the facility annually to inspect and repair the facility, if necessary. Zodiac Labs unconditionally guarantees a minimum of 3% uptime.
Finally, all of our technicians and the one-man customer support team are paid the absolute lowest wage allowed by law with no benefits whatsoever, so you can rest easy knowing that your money is being well spent paying for the CEO's "business" expenses.
Hey, at least we're trying.